I Forgave Everyone But Myself

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A garden. That’s how I would title this summer. There’s been old dirt that had to be sifted through, fertile soil that had to be put down, seeds that were planted, and plenty of watering and waiting. The watering and waiting period has given me plenty of time to have self-realizations. How did I manage to forgive everyone but myself?

Since I forgave everyone else before myself, we will start with forgiving others. We all have these great expectations for other people and forget that we all have selfish, evil ways that causes us to error. We tend to always say “well if I were in that situation, I wouldn’t have done that”, which is correct because guess what? You weren’t in that situation.

Most of us are on the unpredictable 20 somethings roller coaster, growing and tumbling into our true, adult selves. Making mistakes is inevitable. Being a shit person at times is inevitable. People are not always going to do you right. Now, this is no excuse to just do careless, intentional actions that you know are wrong, but please remember that sometimes not everything is black and white. The grey area does exist. Many of us love to use the grey area when it comes to ourselves but are quick to chastise others into either black or white section, but that’s a whole other topic.

My big sister Laura gave me great advice, “when you stop expecting people to act like you and when you realize that not everyone operates like you, you will be less let down and disappointed”.

Some may be reading this post and thinking “why should I forgive someone who has done me wrong??”. I’m not going to tell you that you need to forgive and let go, but just understand that some things will continue to weigh heavy on your soul until you come to terms with the reality. Also, forgiveness does not equate to frolicking through the field of daises with that person again.Some can do that and others cannot not. Forgiveness is about letting go of hurt and hate.

Now, forgiving myself was something that never occurred to me until a few days ago. I was listening to a song and wondered “yikes, is that how someone feels about me? wow Im a terrible person”. As I got in the shower, I continued to ponder on that and then realized that I haven’t forgiven myself for my mistakes and wrongdoings. I grabbed my phone and tweeted my first thoughts.

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By not forgiving myself for my mistakes, I’m not learning from them or allowing myself to progress forward. Instead, I’m just anchoring myself to a sunken boat of guilt and regret. I have been holding myself back from progression. Let it go. I’ve started the process of letting those ugly bits of me completely fade away. Understanding that I am not the same person I was last summer, last month, or even last week. As I continue to go forth, I am changing constantly…for the better. Yall know I love SZA, so I’m just going to take it day by day.

All of these lessons in maturing and self-realization are going to pay off in the end. I once saw a tweet that talked about dealing with our demons and trauma so that our children don’t have to endure that. I’m just trying to make myself the best for me and my future family. Now for those of you who don’t understand the connection, that’s also another blog post because the connection between your parents problems and yours is THICK, but let me not get ahead of myself.

Bottom line, start forgiving yourself. If you take the time to forgive others, give it to yourself. Whether you find that forgiveness process through a cleanse or self-care rituals, you have to reach that point. No progression can be made if you are constantly cringing at your past mistakes. Acknowledge them and let it go… and remember, day by day.

love and light,

Victoria

 

 

 

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