Reality came crashing down on me as I read my daily horoscope by @lilzodiacblog on Instagram. It told me that I may not be over something that I thought I was. It told me to channel those emotions into my art, so here we are.
I am angry. I am angry that I am not fully over a situation I thought I handled over the summer. I was positive that I let it all fall from my eyes and run down the shower drain in Indiana. I could have sworn I left the details and heart wrenching pains in the walls of that bedroom that listened to my screams and outbursts.
I was presented with a test and I was triggered. Thank God I don’t feel that pain that I thought was going to kill me five months ago. You know that pain that hurts so bad that all you can do is sleep to keep from feeling it? Being past that pain stage is a great victory so I embrace myself for no longer feeling that portion. Yet instead of sadness, I feel aggression and irritation. Why? Why me? Why now? I don’t understand why this test happened, I am still furious that it occurred. I found myself trying to justify and make excuses for my anger and irritation before realizing that I am simply not fully done with healing.
In a recent post, I spoke about the stages of healing. Somehow, I disillusioned my mind and body into thinking I could zip through those stages in three months and be brand new by October. I have never been so wrong in my life. It’s almost like I convinced myself that I was nothing if I wasn’t done healing by a certain time. That’s really the worst part of all of this. Upon this realization, my balance teetered and the wind in my chest flew out, leaving me stammering and stumbling trying to find solid ground to rest on to sort this out.
My village told me that it was okay to not be as far along as I had tricked myself into thinking I was. Yet, I was still in disbelief. How could life be moving on so fast yet my healing drips like thick molasses?
I had a breakdown the other day that I brushed off as being stressed and overwhelmed, but as I sat on the waterfront and cried, I began to release. Releasing those unrealistic expectations I had for myself. Telling myself that it is okay to still feel emotions, after all I am a breathing human being. I applauded myself for the growth that I did make. I dreamed of the glorious day when I am no longer emotionally bound to this situation and will not let anger or frustration creep into my heart when I am tested or presented with potential triggers. I told myself to tuck that dream into a nearby place in my mind to view when I have rough days or question my progress and sanity.
So here I stand. Acknowledging that I still have work to do in the midst of the other work I have to do. Understanding that I have duality and can be love & light while still mending wounds and sewing patches on frayed pieces. Working on reaching the moment of full breathing. Remembering that it is okay if no one understands or no one listens, because I must find that validation within myself. Reminding myself that I will always be that bitch in the midst of storms and heavy rains.
I am no longer beating myself up for not healing fast enough. Just as I am complex and nuanced, so is my healing journey.
love and light,