Faking It

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It started a few weeks ago. I was in a large crowd and suddenly began to feel like I was shrinking. I felt alone and confused, even though I was surrounded by people who I adored. I felt invisible even though people were directly interacting with me. Instead of doing something about it, I cleared my head with no intentions of finding out why I felt that way.

Then it happened again, but this time I was at the Dreamville Music Festival. I was standing beside my sisters and watching Teyana Taylor and felt that same alone sensation. At this point, I was annoyed with my mental and told it to shut up because I intended to get my monies worth and make it to see J. Cole at the end of the night. Once again, I brushed it off and didn’t think twice about it.

…and then it happened again. I was dancing beside my people on the dance floor, holding the hem of my dress so my drunk classmates wouldn’t ruin my dress, and I felt that same strange wave overtake me. Being that I was not intoxicated in the slightest, I grabbed a couple plates of food and sat down at a table. I watched my friends, sisters, and classmates have the time of their lives. I was so happy for them and glad they were enjoying this moment. Yet, I couldn’t shake that feeling so I couldn’t get up and join in the fun. It all came crashing down in my hotel room after the festivities.

I was overwhelmed, over-saturated, and overdue for personal time with Victoria. I had been faking the funk for too long. Instead of focusing on myself and taking time, I would distract myself with the pre-game or spontaneous get together. At one point, I would like to believe I tried to address the problem but I can’t even remember taking the time to think through my feelings.

All of this was very weird to me because I consider myself a social butterfly, yet I didn’t realize that those same wings that were constantly spread were getting worn out. For the past three months, I watched myself slowly slip through my own fingers like taffy with no intentions of packaging it up.

I blame no one but myself. As mentioned before, I value spending time with the people I love but at some point, you have to know when to love on yourself. I faked it, ignored it, and brushed it all away as if everything was okay and I wasn’t ripping at the seams. Why do we fake it for so long? Why can’t we ever stop in the moment and fix our problems and move forward? I’m such an advocate for fixing problems in the heat of the moment when it comes to everything else but when it came to myself, I figured I could wait a few more weeks. Look where that got me…stuffing my face with Alfredo pasta and carrot cake at my senior ball instead of making memories alongside some of my favorite people.

Take the time that you need. I was so worried that I would miss out on the event of a lifetime so I continued to push myself to be in settings when I knew I should have been in my room humming Jill Scott and sipping on a cold glass of wine. Your friends will be there. Happy hour will be there. Sometimes you just need to sit your ass down and find comfort in your own company.

This whole situation reminds me of the Snickers commercial where the character turns into a different person due to hunger. I can’t be Victoria if I don’t take time to feed her what she needs. Don’t be like me. Bite into your snickers filled with whatever you may need and feed the problem. Find your solution in each bite and have yourself pulled together by the time you are about to dispose of the wrapper. Take care of your hunger and stop faking like everything is peaches and sunshine when you know that you are mentally starving.

As for me, I’m better now. I’ve taken a couple days and moments to myself and I’m ready to re-enter the world. The countdown to my birthday, graduation, cookouts, and summer begins. Let the good times roll! Moving forward, I’m going to check in on myself more. I’m going to actively listen when my body and mind is telling me to pause and focus on the issue at hand. I will take my time to restore and rejuvenate instead of letting feelings volcano on a good time. Victoria is back… and I’ve missed her.

 

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